The Advice Trap: Why Your "Help" Might Be Hurting

My heart sank the other day when I witnessed it again: that reflexive, well-meaning, yet deeply damaging act of unsolicited advice. It’s a habit we’ve all fallen into, and it’s robbing us of genuine connection. I knew I had to speak up.

"I think you should..." Four words, often delivered with the best intentions, can sometimes land with a thud. I recently witnessed an incident that deeply saddened me, and it highlighted a pervasive problem: the epidemic of unsolicited advice, or what we often call "fixing." This habit, seemingly harmless, infiltrates our daily lives, from casual family conversations to heated social media debates. It happens between strangers, acquaintances, and those we hold dear. It occurs verbally, non-verbally, and in the digital space. And at its core, it stems from a place of laziness and pride, creating barriers to vulnerability and genuine connection.

I was going to post something about this as soon as I heard about this recent incident, but I didn’t. And, as God would have it, the sermon that Thad and I listened to this week, which was on a different topic, gave a strong biblical basis for why what I am about to share is so damaging.

So what is it, you ask? It is giving unsolicited advice.

Giving advice? That is it? How can that be bad, or cause any issues? "It's not egotistical, it doesn’t stem from laziness. When I do that, I am just trying to help," is what you are probably thinking to yourself. But are you really? Are you really helping?

I am going to approach this from a logistical aspect and also from a biblical aspect.

Ready to dig in with me and help turn the tide on something that is infiltrating our society?

Think back over the last week about all the times someone either shared something with you personally, or in some type of correspondence, as a passing comment, or someone posted something on social media. Now think about all the ways you responded. The majority of the time, the instant someone, whether it be someone we know well, an acquaintance, or even a stranger, shares something about a challenge they are having, the immediate, almost knee-jerk response from most people is to give some kind of advice. “Do this, take that, you should have, try this.”

Why is that? Why is that the first response? Ponder that for a minute.

Why is our first response not to stop and first ask the question, “Is this person asking for help or wanting to be heard?” Ask! The first time you do, it may catch them off guard. When is the last time anyone has asked you that? So if they look at you in shock or don’t answer right away, ask again.

Questions like, “Hey, before I say anything, are you looking for advice or for someone to listen to you?” Or, “That sounds like a tough situation, sorry to hear. What is it that would help you most right now?” Or, “Is there a way that I might be able to support you?”

Again, since this is not the normal response from most people, you may even need to suggest ways that they may feel heard by saying, “What you have just shared seems really tough. I don’t know enough about you or the situation or both (depending on the circumstances) to know what to say. I am here to listen.” Or, once someone has shared something with you, just being silent and saying, “Would you like a hug?” Or be willing to hold space and time for them by saying something like, “That sounds challenging. I would like to jump on a call or grab coffee or go for a walk and hear more about it.” In any case, if they don’t specifically say they are looking for help or advice, “bite your tongue,” so to speak, and give them what they ask for or ask more questions.

For some reason, since this seems to be such a “knee-jerk” type response as soon as someone shares about a challenge, ache, pain, hardship, something that happened in their day, something they are frustrated about, a feeling they have, a tough spot they are in, or fill in the blank, the trusted fire safety rule comes to mind: STOP - DROP & ROLL. Except in this situation, I want you to think about STOP, THINK & ASK.

So next time someone shares anything with you; stop, think, and ask. What are they wanting or needing right now; to be helped or to be heard? Because until you know the answer to that question, anything you say after that point is not for their benefit, but yours!

If that doesn’t make sense, then Matthew 12:36-37 gives us a pretty compelling reason and warns us about the words we speak.

OK, So you ask them and they say they want help? “Sweet,” you think to yourself, “now I can jump in and give my thoughts, right?” Wrong!

Proverbs 15:28 is pretty clear about that. “Good people think before they answer, evil people have a quick reply.” Well, that is quite harsh, isn’t it? Evil, really? Well, if you know the person but do not know a lot about the situation or don’t even know the person very well and know nothing about the situation except for what they have told you, then how would you know what is best for them? You don’t. That would be pride, ego, or trying to play God, which is all rooted in sin, which is from the evil one.

Proverbs 12:26 states that; “the godly give good advice to their friends and the wicked lead them astray.”

Two really important words in here should give us a big AH-HA moment. The word “good” and the word “friend.”

Let's tackle the word “good” first. This scripture says to give good advice, not just any advice, good advice. The definition of good is that it has the qualities desired for that specific situation, it is morally right, or has a benefit or advantage to someone or something.

A good example that comes to mind is the one in which someone asks you for directions to a location. So what should happen is that you would first ask the person where they are currently located, because until you know where they are starting from, there is no way you would be able to give them directions to where they want to go. Right?

But what usually happens instead? They have said, “I really want to get to Main St.” Or, “I am lost, I thought I was on Main St.” You think to yourself, “Oh! I have been to Main St. before. All you have to do is drive 3 blocks north, take a left, drive two more blocks, and you will get there!” You are very excited, because you were helpful, but were you? Did you ask in which city, state, province, country is the Main Street that they are trying to get to? Did you ask where they currently are now? Did you ask if there was a timeframe that they wanted to get there by? Did you ask what mode of transportation they had or have access to? Nope! But you still gave them directions….. Hmmm.

You may be thinking at this point, this scenario is a bit far-fetched, but is it really? Yeah, you would think if someone wanted to get to Main Street in Roswell, New Mexico, but somehow they ended up in the neighborhood of Roswell, Colorado, and they only had access to a bus ticket, they would tell you that, right?

So here is the complexity of people oftentimes; many don’t know where they are, or they do know where they are but lack resources or tools to solve their current challenge. And most times, when people share something, because of the complexity of our lives, there are layers upon layers upon layers of other information that is required to give GOOD advice.

Which brings us to the second word, “friend.” Proverbs 12:26 doesn’t say give good advice to everyone who shares something with you—how could you?!!??! To give good advice, and wise counsel, you must have a lot of information. Unless you have taken the time to really build a relationship with someone, get to know them, maybe have had shared experiences with them, asked lots of questions, and then asked a whole pile more, there is absolutely no way to know what is actually of benefit, helpful, or good for that person. So right there, that rules out advising mostly everyone who posts or leaves a comment on social media. I will come back to this though.

So if someone did actually indicate that they are looking for help, and you have remembered to STOP - THINK & ASK.

The first person you ask questions of is yourself.

Things like; “how well do I know this person?”, “how much do I know about this situation?”, “do I have any actual expertise or experience that could possibly help?”, “are there others I know that I could or should be bringing into this conversation?”, “have I taken time to pray with this person or for this person in the past or right now?”

Once you have asked yourself all those questions and any others you can think of, then the next person to ask questions to is your friend. Here, there are probably a hundred or more questions that could be asked based on the situation at hand.

So start off with, “Tell me more about what you are experiencing so I can better comprehend what you are going through.”

From there, ask any and as many clarifying questions as needed to ensure you fully understand. Then it’s time to offer good advice, right? Nope. Then, it's time to reflect and ask yourself again. Am I the right person to give good advice based on the information I now have? Do I need to take some time and think and or pray and wait? Do we need to do some research and get more information? You get the point.

So now you are probably thinking, “OK, I understand the importance of stopping, thinking, asking, and being specific about how and who I give advice to, but this is for big challenges or for people I don’t know really well, right?” Wrong! This also applies to the little stuff or people that you have a relationship with.

For example, let's say someone mentions as part of a conversation that they have a sore knee or a leak in their roof. This is when it's even easier to just throw something out. It can’t really hurt to just share my two cents, right? It doesn't hurt to throw out “make sure you are icing it regularly,” “put some of this oil on,” “take some of this vitamin,” or “get a bucket,” “find a fan,” “go up on the roof” (when they live in an apartment on the third floor of a 7 story building…). People say these things not knowing the full circumstances, or what this person has already tried, or if they are even wanting advice. What it communicates is that you don’t care enough about them to ask the questions to see if you are in a position or not to actually help.

So here is a shift in perspective to go along with our new tool of stop, think, ask; the ability to possibly be in a position to give good advice and not just spew “fixes” out everywhere, is earned through the currency of time and effort.

So back to the social media posts.

In this quick-fix, fast-paced, social media community culture we live in, where so many have a hunger to be heard and our sinful desires are to “fix” or throw our two cents out on every comment we see, what can we do to create healthy, God-honoring environments and relationships?

• Be in the word.

• Slow down.

• Take time to build relationships. If you don’t have a relationship and haven't stopped to ask yourself and the person lots of questions to seek understanding, then don’t say anything at all.

• Now there are times as communities grow, people we don’t know may share things about situations they are in or problems they have, and you feel that you could possibly be of help. Reach out privately.

  • “Hey, I saw your post about X. I would love to visit with you, get to know you better and learn more about what you shared.”

  • Or if you do know the person well, still stop - think - ask. “Hey, I heard you mention x the other day. I think I may have something that might help, but I wanted to ask some more questions first to make sure...” This alone communicates care and love, which, even if you are not able to give good advice, will speak volumes to the person that you took the time to talk to.

    
    

As we are all practicing this here and in our lives, let's remember that for many, this may be a new skill, and if you share something and someone just tries to fix it without taking the time to stop, think, and ask, then know that you don’t have to receive it.

Rather, let us be known for our ability to listen, to hold space, and to truly see others, reflecting the love of Christ in our interactions. Let us strive to be people who value understanding over immediate solutions, building bridges of genuine connection in a world that often prioritizes quick fixes and shallow advice.

Ready to take action and cultivate more meaningful relationships? Visit our website at https://www.yourjesusjourney.com/ to learn more about our out-of-the-box ministry. We're passionate about helping people understand the Bible, find Christian community, and grow as disciple-makers. Don't forget to grab your free gift at the top of our website: the ebook "Stop Reading the Bible Wrong: 7 Strategic Shifts that Change Everything."